So I thought I would update you all on whats up. My life has gotten to the point of perfection. I am dating an amazing and wonderful girl named Peri and she is pretty much all I can ask for, I just finished my last day of school not to long ago and graduation is right around the corner, and lastly I have discovered who I really am. All this adds up to me for once, knowing where my life is going.

I just have to get this all down, so lets start with my girl. Peri Jane Alice Ann Rosonski is her name, and she is everything I dreamed of and an attitude to back it all. She is fun to be with, smarter than I can ever imagine, and just so freaking pretty! GAWD, its like an angel without those obnoxious wings! I found someone who makes me physically URGE to hold her when she is away because her embrace is like a drug to me. She makes me love her, I cant help myself. Loving her is so perfect and meaningful that I know I couldnt be wrong. She makes me smile on those days I feel like I have beaten to the ground, she makes me believe in love again, she makes me want to fight for this no matter the cause. She makes me….. me. I am whatever I am around her. I just let my true self show, and here she still is, holding my hand under the sunset, and kissing me on tire swings. She is like the cool breeze on the hot summer nights. Just touching that breeze is a miracle to you, just as every time our skin meets, my heart exploads out of sheer love overload. I love this girl till death, and I truely hope we are together that long. <3

Thanks for the wonderful life I have,

Loves,

Zachary W Hostetter, Genius, Walrus Hunter.

Baby girl, i love you so freaking much!! :)

Prolly should update you guys on what happened. Me and Peri, well thats toast. I used to think it was my fault, but I am pretty sure its cause she is so young. I want to give her time to grow up. Hell if I am still around then, I would want nothing more than let her into my heart. I LOVE this girl, and all the bull that has been happening lately between us is so hard to understand. I would do anything for her, I would literally give up my life for this girl. I feel like I finally found something worth striving for, and I managed to mess it up. I don’t even care right now. If she needs space then that is what I will give her.. We broke up cause I was “to clingy” which I can admit to, I can be a bit needy. and I worked to change that, but she just sorta gave up tonight. I dunno what happened, but she freaked out on me last night and now she is hardly there. It really sorta killed my little dream of having it all with her. I just dont wanna lose her. I would rather us be friends forever than to have her hate me because I dont know how to let her know that I love her. Not that she would even care anymore. I can do nothing these days but smile and accept everything she does. I dont care what she does. She can beat the shit out of my heart till there is nothing left, and I wont retalliate. She needs to know that I will always care, no matter what…. I will freind-zone myself cause I care that much about her. I am an idiot. She deserves SOOO much better than me and I know it. I just need to change before she realizes that too. I miss the old her, I loved that, but I guess thats dead and gone. Oh well, I cant complain, I am done with this heatbreak warfare on my mind shit. Zach needs time to be Zach. Oh and to make things worse, I am getting flirted with again -_- I know, who could complain about that, but I really didnt want it. First, Jasmine said she had a “confession” that she had to tell me, and after like an hour of friendly interogation, she confessed that she liked me, but then she thought about her ex, and all those feelings for him came back, and she changed her mind. :/ Oh and then Kayleigh is back on the set now to. She got those messages I sent when I was being dumb, when I was mad at Peri and I just wanted to get back at her, now she thinks we sorta have a thing again, which I guess I would be ok with, but I spent such a long time convincing everyone especially Perii that I hate her. Ugh. Truthfully I dont hate her, I dont think that is even possible, but for now, I definatly dont love her. I guess I might still have feelings for her. Oh and you can’t forget Kelcy, the entire reason I let myself believe that there are still good people out there, She seems to be all flirty and touchy with me too. I dunno, I dont really want any of them to be honest. I think I am calling it quits with girls for a while. and like DJ Sayvion said, “You gotta be single so you can repair our bromance, dawg” ahah. XD It is true, these girls are what have been driving a wedge between me and my friends. I don’t like that. My plan is to just keep it single for a bit, don’t go activly seeking a partner, not till I am ready, and I am sure that I can still be Zach. I feel like I have been slowly losing who I am over the last year, well its time to stop that. Love is shit. I don’t need anyones love to survive, besides my friends, and my family’s. I don’t NEED to be dating someone to function, sure it will be wierd not having someone to spend every last damn moment of my free time with, but hey, I can adapt I am sure. Well peace out kids. Zach is gonna go out and discover himself. 

Mood: Fighty

Why does he have to be perfect? All I wanted to do was to trust the asshole but now I fucked that over. He defiantly isn’t going to be doing any favors in the future, and that sucks ass cause I sorta just made the only other person that she listened to hate me. FUCK. I want her to hate him and just move in like I did, but that shit never works out. She couldn’t do it, and I honestly wouldn’t want her to. She likes him, he respects her, sure, it isn’t right in my book, but if she is happy, then why the hell shouldn’t I be? But this kid drives me crazy! I have never before in my life felt threatened by another man, and this kid does it! He might actually have the power to end us. She actually respects his opinion that much. And I can’t really defend myself cause he is better than me! He is perfect. -_- He is smart, and wise, and good looking, and everything I am not. I wish I could be perfect like he is, but i care to much… and that worries me cause I think she might read that as clingyness. But its to hard for me not to care. To hard for me not to call her, to hard for me not to want to be there every moment of my life. I don’t understand why I do this. I just….I just…care. I don’t think I love her at this point. I think I use the word love to loosely. I definatly feel like I want her to be with me, but I don’t know if I she is THE one. Ugh. I confuse myself. Well off to play Final Fantasy and forget the real world. :D 

P.S. Thank you Square Enix for letting me pretend I am hero :) Makes me feel valuable. 

Mood: Fran. (Yush that is a mood now :D)

I am a blind bafoon sometimes. I am so unaware, so unknowledgeable of the fact that somewhere between the late night phone calls and the cuddling, I became happy. I see myself for how I really am now. And that is happy. I LOVE Peri Jane Rosonski. Nothing makes my day like she does, its all the small things that she does, it just makes me know that I belong with her.

But I worry…

…and that is dangerous. I know how I operate, I know the cycle. I don’t want her to end up like all the other ones. I actually feel like this is it. But hell, I don’t have a clue. All I know is that when I am with her, just me and her, everything I ever worry about just fades. Well……thats a lie. ONE thing worries me the most. ME. I am giving her all the control again. I am giving her the same power that I trusted The Bitch with, and we all know how well that turned out. Well I lied again, there is TWO things worry about, and this one I worry about a lot more. Kevin Booth. That kid was Peri’s everything, her first love, her bestfriend. And that’s where it trips me up. I LOVE the way he treats her, and how he listens to her. He is a true gentleman. I respect that, and would love to see such a fellow be her best friend, but I worry about boundaries that might be crossed. I worry about the line that I drew for him, will it be enough? Will he respect me? I know that he knows that we both know that he still has a MAJOR pull on that girl’s heart. If he wanted to, he could sweep her off her feet and take her away. Part of me wishes it would happen, because I know how broken I am, and how happy he could make her. But yet still I find myself believing more and more that she holds the final key to unlocking myself. She can fix this mess that I am, and when I can come out alive and breathing, I can give her my perfect heart, untainted by suicidal hate and lied-about-love. She would get me, all new and clean. All of me soul tells me that THAT dream is not only a possibility, but a beautiful one at that.